How It Could Have Been Different
by bwayfan25
Summary: An outburst from Nessa during an argument leads Elphaba to ponder what would happen if she had never had been born. More than anything, she wishes for a better life for her sister. But while in limbo, her mother forces her to look at the difference between Elphaba's imagined life for Nessa, and what would actually happen, before she makes her final choice. T because I'm paranoid.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: The beginning might make Nessa seem a bit mean, but I actually think she is very interesting and very misunderstood. Nessa is about 15 and Elphaba is about 16 (I think they are about a year apart). Please enjoy! ~bwayfan25**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

Elphaba flipped the switch on the gas lamp in the bedroom she shared with Nessa. Much to her surprise, Nessa was fully dressed for bed, but was fast asleep in her chair.

"Nessa?" Elphaba whispered. "Nessa?

Nessarose jerked awake, and yawned.

"Why aren't you in bed?" Elphaba asked, sitting on her own bed and adjusting her pillows.

"I'm too tired to get into bed. I don't have enough energy," Nessa said, rolling her neck to stretch it out.

"Oh come on," Elphaba retorted, annoyed. "What could you have possibly done that wore you tired so much?"

Nessa was taken aback. Elphaba never took this tone with her.

"You obviously don't understand how exhausted I get every day," Nessa said. Elphaba snorted.

"Really? Sitting all day and being fawned over? It must be so tiring," ELphaba spat.

"Like you have it any worse? It must be so horrible to be able to have four working limbs!" Nessa retorted, her body shaking.

"Yeah…well…I" Elphaba panted, trying to make up a comeback, but she had none.

"And you know, while we're on the subject, you are really mean sometimes, you know that?" Nessa was seething, but she too was running out of things to say,. But then she thought of a big one, one that she would regret the moment it came out. But she couldn't stop now.

"Sometimes… I wish you had never been born! If it wasn't for you,…everything would be so much better!" Nessa shouted, her face changing from anger to utter horror at what she had just said.

"Yeah? Well, sometimes I wish I had never been born, too!"

Elphaba rolled over. Tears burned in her eyes.

_Nessa's right. Let me never have been born. Let me never have been born… let me never… let me… let…me…_

Nessa's sobs and apologies grew more and more distant, and soon Elpahaba felt a strange sensation. IT was like floating. She opened her eyes. All she could see was white.

White. White walls, white ceiling, white fog, white skin…

ELphaba jumped to her feet, unable to believe her eyes. Her hands were _white_. Pale and normal colored.

She pinched her arm. It hurt.

_Then it's not a dream…_she thought.

Her eyes panned the scene. It wasn't exactly a room. It was more of a, for lack of a better word, _place_. The fog rolled around. But then, she saw movement.

A figure. A woman, of medium build and light brown hair was walking towards her. Her face looked very familiar.

It wasn't Nessa, but it was someone who looked like Nessa. Or rather, someone Nessa looked like…

"Mother?" Elphaba said in the direction of the figure.

The figure came into view, and sure enough, it was Melena, her face as young and vibrant as in life.

"Yes, my dear. And I have to say, I am very disappointed to have heard those words come out of your mouth."

Elphaba stared. What was her mother talking about?

"You know what I'm talking about, Elphaba Thropp," Melena said firmly.

Elpahab thought hard before heaving a sigh.

"I'm sorry. I just… Nessa was upset… and I… said it without thinking," Elphaba spoke in a low voice, though Melena caught every word.

"I know, and I can tell you I will be visiting her soon. But, for now, I'm here with you," Melena said, beginning to pace.

"When I died, I became your Guardian. Well, both you and your sister. It's a bit like a guardian angel, except I very rarely actually change something on your behalf. I normally can't. I just watch over you and make sure that you lead your lives. And I know it's not very happy for either of you, but nevertheless, they are your lives and you only get one. But you, my dear" she saidm turning to face Elphaba, "want it to end. Or rather, never have begun in the first place. I brought you here because you don't understand how much it pains me to have one of my daughters regret their life that much. So, I need to instruct you on _why_ you must continue to live. Even if you don't feel like doing it for you, you know at least one person in Oz who would want to die without you."

Elphaba hung her head slightly.

"I know you're talking about Nessa, but you heard what she said before I got…here. She doesn't like me. Just like everyone else."

"You're sister was very upset. You both often fail to see each other's lives in the other's perspective. But she loves you very, very dearly. You might believe that she does so only because you provide for her, but that is false. You are always there for her, whatever she may need. You do selflessly, and you love her very, very dearly as well. And, right now on Oz, you are in avery deep sleep. What if you never woke up? Nessarose would live the rest of her life never having apologized for her words. She possibly would even blame herself for your death. And, your sister is not as strong as you are. Had she lived to believe you died because of her, her rationality would lead her to, most likely, take her own life."

"Alright, I get it," Elphaba said, a bit more firmly than she'd have liked. "I need to live because Nessa still cares for me. But if I had never been born… I no one had ever been green… she'd have a normal life! She wouldn't miss me, because she would have never even known me! Without me, she'd have a better life."

"I understand you view, but you lack understanding of just what that decision would cause. But that Is why you are here. Normally, the thought, the wish you mdae would be permanent; I managed, however, to find a loophole. You will see parts of Nessarose's life in two versions. One is the life you'd have imagined for her, and one is the one more likely to occur. After seeing both, you may make your decision, and that outcome becomes permanent. Should you choose to neglect this, your choice becomes permanent immediately, and you will be erased from history."

"So," Melena pulled herself up to her full height. "Do you wish to see the lives of your sister, or do you wish to be erased now?"

Elphaba sighed, then took a step forward.

"I'll see the versions of her life. Then I'll choose."

"I thought so," Melena said, smiling. She offered her hand. "Shall we begin?"

Elphaba nodded. Grabbing her mother's hand, she inhaled a large breath.

And everything went white.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: I realized this is a bit like the Pensieve in Harry Potter, but has a bit of time travel thrown in too, so there's a touch of Doctor Who as well. And also, I am American, but I use the term 'football' because, frankly, it sounds better than soccer. R&R if you like. Enjoy! ~bwayfan25**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Wicked (or Harry Potter or Doctor Who, for that matter)**

The sensation felt like falling, though Elphaba could feel her feet remaining planted on the ground. Flashes like photgraphs sped by.

It was Nessa's life, but unlike anything Elphaba could remember. A baby Nessa taking her first steps, her hands held by her father. A pigtailed Nessa jumping rope at school. A preteen Nessa with a group of girls at a party of some kind. A nervous looking Nessa beginning high school. A slightly older Nessa in a gown, next to a young man in a tuxedo.

The pictures flew by faster and faster until they stopped. Elphaba gasped, felling nauseous. Melena placed a hand on her shoulder.

ELphaba looked at her mother. Melena smiled, and stepped forward into the still scene before them. Her eyes wide, Elphaba followed.

As the duo approached the door to the Thropp Mansion, which looked completely ordinary, Elphaba stopped. Just as she raised her hand to knock or attempt to open the lock, Melena smirked and continued walking, straight through the door.

The inside of the mansion was, again, the same. Melena continued down a corridor, and turned left, entering the kitchen.

Elphaba followed, but then stopped dead in her tracks. The scene was completely frozen.

There was her father, sitting at one end of the kitchen table, reading the morning paper. Next to him, Melena, her hair flecked with gray and her face slightly more lined, was eating her breakfast. Out of the corner of her eye, she was watching a boy of about 13 or 14 pick at the food on his plate. Though Elphaba had never seen him before, she knew immediately who he was. Her little brother.

Melena waved a hand, and the scene unfroze. Pots clanged as the cook worked about making food. Frex turned the pages of _The Munchkinland Morning Gazette_. The older Melena continued eating, occasionally shooting furtive looks at her son.

Suddenly, the sound of a ball bouncing grew louder as a black and white ball bounced down the stairwell behind them. It was followed by a Nessarose unlike any of Elphaba's memories or even the still photographs of this Nessa's life.

This Nessa was tall, at least 5'9", with shoulder length deep brown hair which curled up over her shoulders. Her skin was very tan as if she had spent a considerable amount of time outside in the sun. She had bounced down the stair much like the football she was chasing.

"Nessarose!" Frex barked, causing Nessa to drop the books she was holding.

"Yes, Father?" Nessa asked politely, kneeling for her fallen schoolbooks.

"How many times have I told you? Please do not play with the football inside the house!"

"Sorry, Father," she said, kissing him on his bald head. "It's just that it is a big day. I assume you'll all be there tonight?"

"Of course, my dear," Frex said, turning another page. "We wouldn't miss it."

"Yeah," the boy piped up. "We'll be there. To watch you lose."

Melena walloped the boy on the back of his head, but Nessa laughed. She sat across from her mother and buttered toast. A young butler tapped her on the shoulder, and handed her a folded purple uniform. Elphaba recognized the uniform as the official color of the Munckinland Premier Academy, their school.

"Shall we skip ahead a bit?" the Guardian Melena whispered to Elphaba.

"But I don't want to miss whatever it is that they're going to watch Nessa do!" Elphaba said in a panicked whisper back.

"Don't worry. There is much left to see it before the game. As I expect you realized that it what will happen?"

Elphaba thought as the scene began to fade, moving forward again.

"A big football game? That Nessa is playing in?" Elphaba queried. '

"You are correct. The championship. Nessarose Thropp, the four year starter and this year's captain, is expected to lead the team to victory against the Munchkin Rock School in what will be her final game for the school. But more of that later. For now, we will watch her at school."

This pained Elphaba. This is the kind of thing that she had so desperately wanted for her sister.

_Just remember this is your imagination. Maybe reality is different._ But Elphaba wasn't so sure.

She turned to Melena, ready to ask more questions, but instead, she held her tongue. Her eyes were transfixed on the scene now in front of her. A familiar school hallway. A scene of pain or both her sister and herself. But maybe this time it was different…

"Shall we?"

Elphaba took a deep breath, and took a step forward.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: Thank you so much to elphiesglinda and The Ultimate Queen of Cliffies for your feedback :) This chapter is a bit longer than the others. I don't own anything. R &R if you like. Thanks for reading! ~bwayfan25**

Nessa was immediately visible. She was leaning against a locker, while a small group of girls chattered loudly around her. They played with each other's hair, expressed ideas of clothes and shoes, all the while asking Nessa for opinions or advice. Though this seemed to be a normal thing for them, Nessa didn't seem to be into it. In fact, she looked quite nervous. Perhaps the football match nerves were coming early?

This didn't matter to Elphaba though. She was lost in her thoughts, in her regrets.

_She's popular. People love her. Wait. Breathe. It's still the imagination._

"Miss Nessarose!" a man's voice from behind Melena and Elphaba rang out, snapping Elphaba back to the scene.

Elphaba turned to see a tall, sandy haired youth bounding down the hallway. He too was tall, about two inches taller than Nessa, and wore glasses. Though Elphaba had never seen him before, he seemed to fit a group that Elphaba frequently found herself a part of: the nerds.

In this world of Nessa being popular, Elphaba half expected her to ignore him, but instead, Nessarose stepped out of her group of friends to meet him.

He slid to a halt right in front of her, and bowed. Much to Elphaba's surprise, Nessa returned the gesture with a curtsy.

"And how are you today, Master Julian?" Nessa said in an overly polite tone. Her hands were behind her back, and, though she forced a passive look, she was hiding a broad grin.

"Very well, Miss Nessarose," he replied, with the same overly polite tone. It seemed that the two were very familiar with each other, but were attempting not to show it. And then it hit her.

This was Nessa's boyfriend. This boy. The tall, goofy boy as dating the most popular girl in school. But he seemed unfazed, even as her friends laughed. Obviously, there was more to him, and to Nessa, then to let this bother them.

Elphaba watched as he politely offered his hand and led her to the nearby courtyard.

"Are you ready, my love?" he asked, moving a piece of hair out of her face. She shot him a look.

"I hope so," she whispered back, placing her head on his shoulder.

"You will be. Anyways, I've got a wager on you to win. I know you won't disappoint me," Julian whispered. Nessa pulled away to look at him in the eye, but he smiled, and her gaze softened.

They stood hugging for what seemed to Elphaba like forever. And, is if to make it worse, they began to gently kiss. Elphaba turned away.

"Can we skip this? Please?" Elphaba asked Melena, averting her eyes. Melena let out a small laugh, and waved her hand once again.

Photographs flashed by of Nessa's day. A calculus class, with Nessa answering every question. A study period in the library.

The photos stopped at the cafeteria. Nessa sat in a center table, surrounded once again by her giggling friends. Alone with her thoughts once again, nerves seemed to eat away at her.

Looking up from her food, Nessa spotted a girl sitting alone across the room. Melena and Elphaba were not close enough to hear what she was saying, but she kept pointing at the girl. Her friends all began to laugh hysterically. Nessa looked offended, and stood in a huff. She picked up her schoolbag and lunch, and made her way to the girl. Elphaba inched closer.

"Hello, I'm Nessarose, but everyone calls me Nessa," Nessa began, smiling at the new girl. "And what's your name?"

The new girl looked scared. Evidently she had seen the way Nessa's friends had acted.

"Um. Lorna. My name is Lorna."

"Nice to meet you," Nessa said, offering a hand to shake. Then she narrowed her eyes slightly. "Weren't you in my literature class?"

The girl nodded shyly. But Nessa just smiled and continued. She asked about the book they were reading, about where Lorna had moved from, and, when the bell rang, Lorna was happily chatting with Nessa on the way to their next class.

Elphaba stood, thinking. This was so much the life she wanted for Nessa. A normal, happy life. But something stuck out to her. It was almost _too _perfect.

Then Melena waved again. Elphaba was too lost in her thoughts to watch the scenes fly by once again. But she soon felt a slight chill which snapped her back to whatever this reality was.

They were standing in a set of athletic stands. Wind whipped around them, and a cold rain was falling, but it didn't affect Melena or Elphaba.

They sat on the cold benches and watched .

Down on the pitch, the game was already in full swing. Yellow and purple uniformed players darted in and out of focus in the thick rain, while a white ball growing more and more muddy flew back and forth around the pitch. After a few moments, Elphaba recognized Nessa. She was waiting off on the other side of the field.

The score was tied 2-2. Elphaba watched eagerly and the ball soared across the brown and green field towards Nessa. Instinctively, she jumped up to reach it. It fell in front of her and she took off, her purple uniform flitting in and out of yellow players. She ran closer to their side of the stadium, and ran

But, out of nowhere, a yellow player slid into Nessa, knocking her down and making her lose the ball.

A shrill whistle pierced the air. The referee took the ball to the penalty line, but Elphaba was still watching Nessa.

Then she realized what was wrong. Nessa was breathing very hard. Her arm was back. Too far back.

The aids ran to her, but by the time they got there, she had already pushed her shoulder back into place. She stretched it, wincing, but took a deep breath, and ran back in.

"Loose ligaments," Melena said out of the corner of her mouth to Elphaba. "Your sister sitting in the wheelchair back in your reality has it too. I believe you have heard of nature versus nurture? The theory that not only are we made of what our DNA says we are, but also how we have been raised?"

Elphaba nodded, but her thoughts were far from her mother's words.

The game had taken a nasty turn. Time was almost up, and both teams were playing too rough. The rain was too thick and the mud too slippery to tell if slips and slides were purposeful or accidental. But, within a few minutes of Nessa's injury, two players were taken off the field, unconscious, and one was benched for misconduct.

"Only thirty seconds left!" boomed the announcer.

The players scrambled. The ball flew, and, none other did Nessa, the tallest of the bunch, knock it down. She managed to escape from the struggling crowd. Her momentum grew as she sprinted down the field. She kicked with all her might, and all anyone could do was watch as it soared towards to goal.

_Three_. The goalie tracked it, moving towards the corner.

_Two_. She jumps.

_One_. It flies over her head and into the net behind her.

A massive cheer erupted through the stadium and Nessa fell to her knees. Students stormed the field below, singing the school song, cheering madly. They crowded around Nessa. Elphaba watched as the tall boy fought his way through the crowd, and drew Nessa into a massive hug, only to be broken by her parents.

Elphaba loved every moment of it. Watching her sister have a perfect life.

But Melena waved her hand and it all faded. They stood again in the blank white place.

"That's the life I want for her. That's it. All of it. It's…perfect."

Melena shook her head.

"Of course it was. It was based off of your imagination. Your hopes for her created that. Did you not notice how it was too good to be true? Reality is never that perfect, because it is not based on dreams, or at least, it is not meant to be."

Melena's face was much more serious than Elphaba had yet seen it.

"I will now show you the likely reality of Nessarose's life had you never been born," she said in a low, cool voice. "It is not as happy. It is not perfect. It is dark, because it is real."


End file.
